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Interesting idea and you have potential, but you need to throttle back on your narrative. Show, don't tell.
If you are serious about writing, check out these books and they will save you YEARS of re-writes and rejection:
Self-Editing for Fiction Writers, Second Edition: How to Edit Yourself Into Print by Rennie Browne and Dave King
and
The Elements of Style by William Strunk
Good luck.
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