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I think you staying out of stuff is a good idea, you focus on your marriage and kids (if you and him have any of your own) let him and the X deal with there kids. You dont have to be friends with her...but you also dont have to hate each other. I think its best to just be friendly to her if you have to deal with her...phone or face to face. Just cause she is his X does not mean she dont need respect as long as she is giving you respect. I dont think her being upset about what you called your detatched politeness for her is being rude or not showing you respect I think she just might not understand why you keep yourself out of the pic. Maybe sitting down and talking to her letting her know that you detatching yourself from stuff is what you think is best for the family in general, and that you think them (hubby and X) dealing with kids stuff is there place to be doing it not yours. However to her she might think you are coming accross as a cold person...not a good thing.
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