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i think you have good thoughts, however with practice your poetry will grow into a better structure. maybe you should read more poetry and get a feel of it first. also maybe write your thoughts into sentences and review it into a poem.
I'm a creative writing student and i have problems with poetry, i can't explain exactly what i want to express, i find it a difficult thing to do.
i would also suggest that you make it harder for the reader to interpret what you are trying to say. if you are really interested in poetry i would say this is the best way to go, but you are making a good start.
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