[jle6151]

This is a tough issue. Sex is a very complex thing with many facets -- it has the potential to create life, to enhance bonding and express powerful emotions; but when abused it can easily destroy people and families, as you yourself have experienced through your dad's breaking of his marriage vows to your mom.Not many people will agree with this, probably; but whenever people engage in sex outside of marriage (whether extramarital or premarital), it breeds distrust, selfishness, dissatisfaction, insecurity and a whole bunch of other negative results and emotions. It might not be right away, but eventually somewhere down the line it bears bitter fruit, sometimes tearing apart marriages that have existed for twenty years or more. Even those couples who stay together are often unhappy and suspicious of one another, because they have learned to cross the lines of their conscience -- even if it was only with one another before marriage.Regarding your strong negative feelings toward your father's betrayal, some counselors have suggested that we tend to view God (the ultimate, heavenly Father) in a similar way as we do our earthly fathers. If our father is loving, patient, kind, faithful, self-sacrificing, generous, and caring, we tend to understand, relate and respond to God more positively than if he is cruel, neglectful, uncaring, unfaithful, indifferent or absent from our lives, inasmuch as they both represent a similar type of paternal authority.While I personally feel that the Christian view/philosophy of sexuality is one that makes the most sense, especially in today's world, I know that not everyone (few, perhaps) would agree with that. Outside of a faith framework, however, there are still powerful reasons to abstain from sexual relations outside of marriage. STDs, AIDS and premarital pregnancy (always leading to difficult choices) are just three of them. Even more devastating (if in a different way) is the resulting anger, hurt, sense of betrayal and loss of self-esteem that happens when a relationship based on the wrong foundation (where abuse of sex is involved) gets broken. If a man is not willing to marry (commit to your relationship) before getting physical, then it makes it even harder to discern whether they really honestly do care about you, are being truthful with you or just want their physical gratification and are manipulating you to get it. As a result, you are less sure of your relationship, less trusting and also (the more often it happens) has a negative effect on your ability to trust, give of yourself and derive true, uninhibited enjoyment of sex in the future. A condom, IUD, pill or some foam cannot and never will protect our hearts and spirits from getting wounded.You say sex is a part of life -- that is true, but it can be compared to a chocolate ice cream sundae. If we eat too many, or at the wrong time (i.e., before dinner), we can wind up getting sick, obese, or at the very least, lose our appetites for a more balanced, nutritious meal. While all of us "like to participate," there is a time and place that are best conducive to our overall physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. I honestly, sincerely hope you will take this into account when considering where, when and with whom to "participate" in the future.One thing to keep in mind -- your dad's failings are in no way your fault, regardless of the circumstances. I can imagine your relationship with him might be extremely negative or even non-existent because of his actions; but it's important to try and remember that we're all human and prone to making mistakes. None of us can claim perfection or that we've never been in need of forgiveness from a friend or family member. It may be that even now your dad is beginning to reap the consequences of his lack of self-control and secretly wishes he hadn't given in to that temptation of "greener grass on the other side." While your bitter feelings are understandable, they will only consume you and wind up hurting you more if you are unable to get past them and forgive your dad. I realize this is a VERY tall order. Forgiveness doesn't mean excusing the person's actions, justifying them or even forgetting what happened. It is rather a conscious decision (made by your will, independently of emotions) that you will not allow someone else's behavior/decisions to have a negative affect on your life and future. I know it's hard to believe, especially right now, but there ARE good men out there. Not perfect men, but men who truly desire to be responsible husbands and fathers, who know the real meaning of love, grace and forgiveness, and have both received and extended it to others. A real man, one who is mature and can put others before himself will NEVER expect one he loves to compromise their character, their beliefs, their integrity of relationship with others (and God), their emotional and physical health for a brief. fleeting moment of sexual pleasure outside of a permanent, lifelong commitment. I wish you well and all the best that God has for you in your future.