A revisit to golden oldie military humor

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THE FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS IN THE ARMY:

A Private saying, "I learned this in boot camp...."
A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience.. ."
A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
and a Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this sh-t..."

THE FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS IN MARINE CORPS:

A Private saying, "I just got the word...."
A Sergeant saying, "Lock and Load!"
A Second Lieutenant saying, "Follow me!"
A Captain saying to an in-bound A-6, "Our position is....."
A Lt. Col. chuckling, "I've seen this sh-t before...."
Back

The difference between Infantry, Cavalry and Artillery.

HAPPINESS IS . . .
Infantry: A good rifle
Cavalry: A big tank
Artillery: A loud boom

UPON HEARING FIREWORKS
Infantry: Cool, just like a live fire exercise
Cavalry: Not loud enough
Artillery: Fireworks? What fireworks?

OTHER TRADES
Infantry: Waste of rations
Cavalry: Waste of rations
Artillery: Waste of rations

IDEA OF FUN
Infantry: Not having to "pepper-pot" an entire grid square before the objective
Cavalry: Racing across a grid square on "full stab"
Artillery: Leveling a grid square

FAVOURITE SONG
Infantry: "Ballad of the Green Beret"
Cavalry: "Purple Haze"
Artillery: Anything, just play it LOUD!

BIGGEST LUXURY IN THE FIELD
Infantry: Engineers blowing trenches for them with C4
Cavalry: Grunts to dig their trenches for them
Artillery: Cable

A LONG ROUTE MARCH WITH FULL KIT
Infantry: 20 clicks
Cavalry: From the hangars to the tank
Artillery: What's a route march?

OFFICERS
Infantry: Are morons and should stay away from the trench lines
Cavalry: Are morons and should stay out of the vehicles
Artillery: Are morons and should stay away from the gun lines

FAVORITE MODE OF TRANSPORTATION
Infantry: Anything but walking
Cavalry: Tanks. Tanks. Tanks. Tankstankstankstank sTANKS!
Artillery: Don't you have to move around to require transport?

BIGGEST GRIPE IN THE FIELD
Infantry: The weather
Cavalry: Coffee maker in tank not working
Artillery: Only having basic cable

BREAKFAST IN THE FIELD
Infantry: I don't care what it is, just so long as I can sit down to eat it
Cavalry: Hot coffee and rum with a beer chaser
Artillery: Eggs over easy, crispy bacon, sausages, toast and Tim Horton's coffee

WHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES
Infantry: Death Techs
Cavalry: Cavalry
Artillery: 10 Mile Snipers


Comparison of military operational tactics (Snake model)
Infantry:
Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne:
Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor:
Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation:
Has GPS coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Ranger:
Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery:
Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several
hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics
and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces:
Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it
to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Combat Engineer:
Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal
thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't
understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL:
Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and
retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS
kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy:
Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations
Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of
anti-snake Force projection.

Marine:
Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs.
Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Recon:
Follows snake, gets lost.