My new poem- "Awakening" - what do you think?

[Tricia9411]

I heard a whisper in the dark.'Twas cloaked in damaged dreams.I could not fathom what it spokebut that it spoke to me.The voice spoke, soft as snow,with substance of the rain-a quiet sort of cleansing,assuage old pain.I realized, the messagewas one, I felt, of peace-but more than that- of love, of hope-a first Awakening.----Just give me your thoughts on it. Your interpretation, what it reminded you of... something like that. But please don't just say something like "OMG its amazing!" or "it stinks." Give me details.

[aliciariippa00]

i love it.the imagry is really good and it flows really well!good job. =]

[ChristianT]

You need to go deeper is my thought on this, you have the rythym and the idea but the emotion isn't there, there is nothing raw or personal about this poem. You are to worried about making the rhyme fit, just close of your thoughts and let your soul write it. A poem is creation, bringing something insode of you so deep out into teh world, something that is uniquely you. Search for that and your poems will become much more real. Please write more though as it takes a long time to discover that part of yourself

[Sarah3979]

I thought it was good and has a good structure to it. The line "The voice spoke, soft as snow" I don't really like.

[bug1595]

well, this is subject to the writer's interpretation! this is what i hear when i say it:a whisper in the dark ( secret stuff )damaged dreams ( lost to drugs )what it spoke was what u didn't wanna hear ( truth )spoke with the substance of the rain ( holy spirit )and then the awakening that what you heard, the truth was something you were capable of doing!That's what I get!Nice Poem

[TDEuwaite9080]

This is pretty good. The first stanza has an iambic meter, rather like a limerick, the rest is more free form, with hints of iambic meter mixed in with trochaic phrases. I think you should break up the first stanza so that it matches the flow of the other two, or add to the those so they match the first. Some of the other things you do don't detract form readability as much, such as changing from past to present tense (spoke—assuage).Overall, this is a good effort. The message is clear and cleansing. I really like that first stanza. TD

[Kate9973]

I like that a lot. It's very pretty and imaginative. Do you have any more poems?

[cameleon30701]

Wow!..I am left speechless. I NEEDED to hear that poem this morning. All I can say is that it provide peace in the eye of a storm for me. Thank you.

[MarkM7338]

Reading your poem I saw a seed from a perennial floweringplant...iris, daffoldil, heck even a dandelions... The seedis in the dark earth but Life / Springtime / the Eternal Summons to rise issues the clarion call which you (the Creator's seed) hear. awake.... and grow in love and hope. Fine poem

[Cate3053]

The first section was the best and then the second. The last was still good, it just wasn't my favorite. I really like the sentence "Twas' cloaked in damaged dreams". Very expressive and profound. Please continue.