how to let down a friend?

[arctic_rash]

I have two kids who will be 4 and 1 on their upcoming birthday. Every year for my kid's birthday we have a kid's party and after everyone leaves we have more of an adult party/bbq. Our family oriented friends are invited to the kid’s party and the “single” friends are invited to the bbq. We have two different types of friends: ones that are more family oriented and ones that are more "single" life type oriented ("single" meaning, married or single people-- without kids). We hang out with our "single" friends more on a regular basis we’ve known them forever and are like family to us and our kids; and while we're friends with our family oriented type friends we really only hang out with them when all our kids are there too. Does that make sense?
Any ways, one reason why we do the bbq is because it's not all that often ALL of us hang together at one time and the second reason is so they can come see our kids and hang out with us without having to be around a ton of hyper kids since
they’re not used to it and quite frankly we enjoy the adult time especially after having kids running around all morning on a sugar high. Now, to the question… I have this single mom friend, who I like a lot; she is the only family oriented person that we hang out with or without our kids. Obviously, she's invited to the kid’s party since our kids are friends (hers are 4 1/2 and 2 1/2 years old). To be honest, I really don't want to invite her to the bbq for fear of her kids staying. I know that sounds mean, but #1 the only kids around will be mine and they will be taking a nap as soon as the party is over and won’t if they know other kids are around, #2 her kids are SUPER rowdy, #3 she doesn’t have a very good hold on her kids discipline-wise (lets them run, scream, hit and get into anything and everything, basically not treat our home with respect). So when things get crazy it’s like she leaves it up to me to take care of things. Which as a parent makes me feel awkward since I
don’t think it’s right to disciple a kid (unless utter necessary) when their parent is standing right there. In the invitations of all our “single” friends we put an addition slip of paper with the bbq details. Hers will not have one. I’m afraid to put one in there (even though it says it’s for an adult bbq) because I’m afraid since my kids are going to be here she’ll thing that excuses her kids from the “adult only” request. And I’m afraid not too because what if she talks to someone else about it and finds out what’s going on? And also if I don’t put one in and she has no clue and the kids’ portion of the party is over, but people are sticking around, I’m afraid that she’ll just stay anyway. I don’t mind if she stays at all, but if she does come how should I tell her that she’s more than welcome to come back if she drops the kids off? I know this sounds harsh, but I need help figuring out how to say it all so it doesn’t? Should I tell her before the party? Should I add the
addition slip of paper in her invitation and just hope that she “gets it”? Should I just let things handle themselves?
I don’t want an awkward situation and I don’t want it to come down to me telling her at the time of the party that “this is really an adult party and your kids have to leave”. I won’t, that IS mean. But that is what I’d be thinking the whole time and it would make me and my husband stressed and irritated to have to put up with her kids. WHAT SHOULD I DO!?!?!?!

[Dragon Artist]

First of all, address thgis problem to her, and ask her to make other arrangements for her children since she can't control them. Inviting her alone is ok because she's not the problem.
Maybe the father or another relative would like the kids to to go visit them while mom goes to the bbq on adult time.

[IBRAHIM]

Do whatever you feel is right in your heart!

[Ayanna kitten]

GIRL it seems like you have a hard time being straight up with anybody especially your friend's. 1st of all ask yourself what are you afraid of. 2nd ask yourself what you think her response would be if you told her. Ok. Here are several solutions. #1, let 1 of your other friends, who you know ain't afraid to tell anybody anything, to tell her that she needs to make sure she haves a baby sitter cause this is an adult party. #2, tell a lie,EXAMPLE: tell her that your kids will be with your mom, so it wouldn't make sense to bring her kids cause who will watch them and how can she have fun if she's tending to the kids. #3, tell her how you feel about her parenting skills and let her know how it makes you feel when she let you do all the work as if she's not caring at all what her kids do over other people's homes. If you really like her and want to continue to be her friend, the truth from YOU to HER will set you free from this issue that you seem like you've had with her for quite some time now. AND if she's a true friend , she wouldn't get offended or be on the defense when you approach her in a NICE RESPECTABLE WAY. YOU FEEL ME.Cause if she do , then you have to make a decision.