Please critique my poem to earn 10 points.?

[trevorpoet]

At night you hear screams from the depths of the earth,Laughter from the misery of the party in hell.Too dark for heaven, brighter than the sun on the warmest summer day.Louder than the trains, quieter than the wind... the sound is unmistakable.Not screams of horror but horrific screams of miserable bliss,Not the infliction of unbearable pain but the infliction of nothing... far less bearable than painIf I was stuck in your kerosene drenched shoes would i burn in the pages of history or live in the immortality of evil.

[MisterS]

You tried too hard

[corbyn927]

it doesnt really flow but it has good imagery.some of ur phrases are very good.a little more work and coherency would it improve it a lot.overall about a 7/10

[voodoochile]

Well let us begin.Apart from its obvious lack of structure, I would like to suggest that its message is both philosophically and theologically askew to be kind. Is evil immortal? Many theologies and philosphies would argue. (Christianity being the first to come to mind.) Secondly, what is evil? How is it defined? "miserable bliss" is an oxymoron. what does that line mean anyways? I think this poem (if it can even be called such) is a poor attempt at being dark, instead, it sounds emo. And as we all know, Shakespeare hates your emo poetry (as does Poe who is dark, Donne, the Brownings, Sir Philip Sidney, Jack Kerouac, Chaucer and Dante.)

[masouk]

If you are trying for an Edgar Allan Poe effect, you fall short.Do you have a taste for the macabre? Anyway keep on trying

[wayne0183]

Hi trevor.Let me help you outIn night and day you hear the screamsIn depthsWe never tell.The laughter from the darknessAnd misery torn from hellThe brighter sun,from warmest dayHeaven glows and shows the way.The trains,The noiseThe memories of louder ,fill the dayIts wildIts here.The sound is far away.The screams of horror,bliss the night.The pain inflictedThe history goneAnd pages burn both near and far.In keroseneWe are.

[princecharming640798]

At night you hear banshees screams from the depths of the earth,Lucifer laughs from the his party in hell.he brings dark hope & rings the division belltakes away your bright heavenputs you under his spellno more summer dayswind blows in cool paintheres nothing to be gainedin this world thats insaneits unbearable torturefor my brain