How do you know when to call a marriage quits.?

[rcpaden]

I have been married 20 yrs.The first 15 were great,then my husbands brother died.They were not close, but I know it was traumatic for him.Then 3 years ago we had a baby 2 months premature,but fine now.I do not want to be a selfish wife.I want to be there for my husband..but he has completely shut down.He hides everything in his locked desk.I did get it open and found almost 30,000 in credit card debit.(all in his name)He is filing head of household and not including me on his taxes,(I have a small income)he has refinanced the home 3 times and owes 22,000 more now than the purchase price. He will not talk with me about this stuff.He won't sleep in the same room with me,never even a kiss or hug from him.When I put my son in bed and tuck him in for the night, he gets him out and tells him he doesn't have to go to bed. I did marry for better or worse. But at what point do you realize that something has to be done. I am getting very depressed and I need to be at my best to parent my son.
I have tried to get him to go with me to marriage counseling. He refuses. I have tried to sit down a gently discuss things, he refuses to discuss it and gets angry at me.
Mrs L: How do I work things out? I am looking for another option than divorce and I can't find it.
He has never hit me but his temper is getting more intense. My other son who is 19 (he is my husband and my first child) said he wished we would leave. He said since he breaks things now when he gets mad over nothing, imagine how he will be in 5 years or 10.
I really have no idea what he has spent all this money on. He is home in the evenings and weekends(he lives on his computer)
I have been to counseling and the counselor said he really needs us both there. I agree and even told my husband that I have a problem that I need to work out. Please help me. But he refused.