Does this revised opening paragraph sound good for your teen fantasy?

sidney0359 · #1 (**permalink**) 05-11-2008, 04:10 PM

For Eva WYour question was removed while I was composing an answer. Your paragraph was good, but needed a little tweaking. What do you think of this?The stygian darkness crept ominously toward the parapets of the ancient castle, as the bleak desert sun sank beneath the golden dunes of Brudgar, painting them a deep russet. Not even the watch fires or the valiant castle guards would be able to drive back the bitter cold and the giant night fliers, with their venomous stings. Wasting no time, the Emperor...

KayT · #2 (**permalink**) 05-11-2008, 10:24 PM

It sounds really good to me. I think you should use it and continue with your story..

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