Will someone edit my poem it's embarassing because I'm terrible at poetry.?

[....]

I take off my sweater as the sun shines with all it's might
I walk around the cold hard cement and some pidgeons on the street catch my attention
There quarrel a group of pidgeons over what seems to be a tiny piece of bread.
They snatch it from each other
Their cries make me want to get more bread Oh their sad cries.
A certain pidgeon flies on by scarying the others away
He guards that piece of bread but doesn't start eating it right away
He stays in the middle of the street while the others have huddled together on the gutters of a building
A shiny red Honda zoomes speeds straight ahead with no mercy of the pidgeon sitting in the middle of the street
How selfish has this world become with all the advances in technology
You dont need to reflect on anything
Observe the emotions and love nature's way.

[insecure me]

sorry..i suck at poem too..but here's a comment..your poem makes me giggle..so funny.. ( hope u considered it as a compliments)

[Marc Angel]

Wow, it's so melodramatic! Leave it alone, let that be your style. I like it.



Wait, is it for school?

[StarGirlALA]

I take off my sweater as the sun shines with all it's might.
I walk around the cold hard floor, as some pidgins catch my sight.
There quarrel a group of pidgins, over what seemed a crumb of bread.
They snatch it from each other, as if the other where not there.
Their cries make me want to go, and fetch some bread for them.
While one pidgin goes on chasing the other ones away.
He guards that crumb of bread, but does not eat it right away.
He stays in place as the others have gone away.
A bright red Honda comes speeding through, caring not of the pidgin in the road.
How selfish this world has come to be, with all the changes in Technology.
You do not have to do as others do.
Observe the world, and love nature's way.

You did good, but I fixed it for you anyway.

[CrG]

I love it.

[padfoot1001]

it's not soo bad. you just have to understand that the language of poetry is different from normal english. i'll take it line by line.

The sun shines with all its might
I take off my sweater
The cement is cold and hard
Some pigeons in the street
Fight over a tiny piece of bread
They snatch it from each other
Their sad cries
Make me want to give them more
Oh their sad cries.
One of them flies on, scaring the others
Away
He guards the piece of bread carefully
Waiting in the middle of the street
He doesn't eat right away
The others huddle on the gutters of a building
A shiny red Honda zooms past
With no mercy for the pigeon
Sitting in the street

I'm sorry to rewrite it. Please remember that this is MY way of rewriting it. I want you to take what I did and once again make it your own. All I did was take your words and rephrase them to make them poetic and graceful. You can take what I did and make it your own style, your own way.

You are NOT terrible at poetry. You just write poems the way you do stories. Poems are about finding an idea, a deep important one, which you have done, and then hiding the idea behind beautiful words, each one picked perfectly, not a single one out of place. Poetry is about getting the message across with grace.

You have the message. You just need to learn to hide it behind perfect, graceful words and then it will be a poem.
You have to make the reader DIG for the message in your poem. Those last 3 lines of your version are unneccessary. You want your readers to figure that idea by themselves.

Don't give up. You are getting there. Remember what I said. It's about taking a powerful, profound idea and masking it with words that dance perfectly, not a toe out of line. The reader must find the meaning.