New poem, new to poetry, please help!?

[iamnotbri]

This is a short story/poem thing, I'v only just turned 15 and I have been getting into writing for a couple of days.... tell me what you think

Top Predator:

A minuscule leaf that drops from the trees
Upon it arrives a tiny little seed,
The seed floats back into the wind
Off on an adventure it begins

Across a small plane does this seed go
Following the wind wherever it may blow
Down onto a lake the seed does plop,
In the water our seed cruises atop

Onto a bank our seed does arrive
Where a chirping bird finds it a snack
Then that bird agilely flies aback
In to the forest of which it came

There our bird will be found a loss
By an sly adept wolf that snatched
Our little bird right out of the sky
And runs into the mountains with his catch

Not far up the ridge the wolf does meet
An unexpected and abrupt defeat
A grotesque grizzly that gobbles him up
Then back down the forest he does schlep
Eventually the bear finds a river bank
One that he crosses into a breezy plane
Here he discovers a rather large tree
Where he sees a curious thing

A porky old man, plaid shirt, stick in hand
With a small yappy thing by his foot
When our young bear turns to run
He is simply shot down, by a fateful gun.
Copyright ©2008 AbriannaPeto
The certainly do not shlep, because shleping doesn't exist.

[arata14]

The rhyming scheme gets kind of sloppy towards the end, but other than that it's pretty good. The cycle of life; I like it. Have you considered joining the community at deviantart.com? it's an art website fulls of paintings, drawings, stories, poems, among other things. If you do decide to join, my screen name is arata75. Maybe we can become friends. IM me if you want to know more. I'm 14, btw.

[coco chanel]

sounds good, but maybe too wordy. but, then again, what do i know?

[arata14]

The rhyming scheme gets kind of sloppy towards the end, but other than that it's pretty good. The cycle of life; I like it. Have you considered joining the community at deviantart.com? it's an art website fulls of paintings, drawings, stories, poems, among other things. If you do decide to join, my screen name is arata75. Maybe we can become friends. IM me if you want to know more. I'm 14, btw.

[arata14]

The rhyming scheme gets kind of sloppy towards the end, but other than that it's pretty good. The cycle of life; I like it. Have you considered joining the community at deviantart.com? it's an art website fulls of paintings, drawings, stories, poems, among other things. If you do decide to join, my screen name is arata75. Maybe we can become friends. IM me if you want to know more. I'm 14, btw.

[Pilar O]

WOW.
you are AMAZING

[arata14]

The rhyming scheme gets kind of sloppy towards the end, but other than that it's pretty good. The cycle of life; I like it. Have you considered joining the community at deviantart.com? it's an art website fulls of paintings, drawings, stories, poems, among other things. If you do decide to join, my screen name is arata75. Maybe we can become friends. IM me if you want to know more. I'm 14, btw.

[Ryan Wilson]

U have beautiful poetry skills keep writing. but u shouldn't switch up the rhythm so much. great job.

[Pat]

great effort, this poem is lovely. it needs some work but if you put it away for a few days and bring it out and read it aloud you will find more inspiration. All poetry should be read aloud. You will automatically stop reading where problems exist.

I have to say though that bears do not shlep.

[Pat]

great effort, this poem is lovely. it needs some work but if you put it away for a few days and bring it out and read it aloud you will find more inspiration. All poetry should be read aloud. You will automatically stop reading where problems exist.

I have to say though that bears do not shlep.