I tried poetry again. Critique me please!?

[I EAT RAW MEAT!]

The thumping of the blood,
The roaring of confusion,
Trickled with the pressure,
You realize
I'm simply not there

[The Dark Prince]

Hmmmm, short , to the point, but I think it woulod have more impact longer. Kept like this I wpould change the final line to I simply am not there. Sounds more eloquent. Just my opinion.

[Nathan D]

Not very clear...what's going on in this poem?

It gives the impression of drama without actually letting the reader in on it.

So inept readers will nod their heads and pretend they get it, when they don't. As a writer, you have a responsibility to the reader to get a message across to him or her. Don't withold important information, don't be intentionally vague. Just write the story for me, for crissake!

[DianaER]

hmm... interesting
as i understand - this poem is for a person to visualize what he feels when reading it, and what i see it a woman searching the wounded soldiers on the battlefield and like an angle of a dead soldier is looking on top of her and just saiy that he isnt there anymore, yet she is hoping and searching...
i like it,its a littl eheavy but it lets my imagination roam free